


Repentance.

by JustAnotherFool



Category: Naruto
Genre: Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Lots of self-projecting, M/M, Self-Harm, no regrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:08:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26416174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherFool/pseuds/JustAnotherFool
Summary: Hidan starts fasting. It becomes an obsession.
Relationships: Hidan/Kakuzu (Naruto)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 115





	1. Hidan

**Author's Note:**

> My first time in the Naruto fandom!

Hidan hated repenting rituals.

It was not the pain; pain was ok. It was just so damn _boring_. He had to lay there and bleed and stab himself over and over and over again. So repetitive, monotonous, it lacked the thrill of sacrifices. Still, he mouthed all his prayers and felt his wounds oozing blood until he was lying in a puddle of it.

_Hope it won’t stick to my hair_ , he thought for a second before focusing on the prayer once again, begging for Jashin’s forgiveness and compromising to find a sacrifice soon.

“Are you done yet?” Kakuzu grumbled not for the first time. Did Hidan really have to do _that_ every fucking morning? He wasn’t sure what annoyed him the most: having to wait for him to finish (so much wasted time) or seeing the messy ugly wounds Hidan inflicted upon himself (not that he cared, it was just… Unsightly. That’s all.)

“I wouldn’t have to do it if you’d let me kill that farmer,” He replied “I like it as much as you do, now shut the fuck up and let me pray, old man.”

Kakuzu just rolled his eyes and waited some more. Hidan could be so infuriating. He almost wishes he’d let the jashinist kill some poor soul just to spare him the trouble, but they were going undercover for a while now and Hidan’s slaughter was sure to draw attention. Thus, he had to resign and watch his partner’s “repenting rituals” Every. Single. Morning.

He just wanted these rituals weren’t so messy and bloody. The wounds Hidan opened were cruder than the ones he made while sacrificing and the ritual seemed to drag on forever. Also, despite Hidan’s claims that it was all fine but boring, Kakuzu felt like his pained gasps and heavy breathing lacked his usual maniac enthusiasm.

It was none of his business anyway, he reminded himself.

* * *

The first time it happened, it was an accident.

Between their rather long missions and Kakuzu’s stinginess (that old cheapskate), it was not uncommon for them to ration food or spend the whole day with no snack breaks, let alone make proper meals. Also, Hidan would never admit, but performing repenting rituals every morning was rather tiring. So he just forgot to eat.

Kakuzu didn’t really think about it when Hidan went to sleep early. He muttered something that could have been either a mockingly “tired already?” or a dismissive “fine”. It’d be nice to save some provisions.

When his head started feeling lighter, Hidan brushed it off as a consequence of losing too much blood. Same thing with the dizziness. He’d been repenting every day for a while now, of course his body would be affected somehow.

He just connected the dots when they finally stopped to rest and Kakuzu felt generous enough to actually cook their sparse provisions, making them more palatable.

As soon as Hidan took a bite, he felt somewhat better. Like his mind was clearer and the world stopped spinning so fast. Then it hit him he hadn’t eaten anything for, what, days? Maybe a week?

He didn’t feel better though. He sorta missed the dizziness. It reminded him of just being finished with a ritual, the bliss, the peace, the uncanny feeling of being close to Jashin. The gears in his mind slowly turned. How he hated boring repenting rituals; how Kakuzu was always complaining and hurrying him up; how good it felt to be close to Jashin, to feel weightless and detached.

* * *

“Don’t you have to waste our time with your nonsensical rituals?” Kakuzu glared at Hidan, who was already up and ready to leave.

“Already performed them, old man,” He replied nonchalant. “Now hurry the fuck up, wasn’t it you who always complained about losing time?” Truth be told, Hidan liked to be the one complaining about it for a change. It was like a petty victory.

Well, _technically_ he didn’t perform his repenting ritual this morning. Not wholly at least. Sure, he made a small circle and cut his palm open to offer some blood, mouthed a prayer or two, but that’s all. No laying on the ground, no stabbing, no dragged, lengthy, repetitive prayers and dull pain.

“Fine,” Kakuzu didn’t seem to put much thought in it. Good. He also didn’t mention breakfast, which Hidan also appreciated.

He was fasting now.

Hidan was never a fan of the idea in general. Fasting seemed so… Common. Almost a heathen’s thing. No blood involved; no slaughter… But it was a sacrifice of sorts and was kind of approved by Jashinism (although Hidan always ignored this part), so why not? If even heathens could do that, so could him. And maybe he could feel the bliss of a ritual without the boring part of actually doing the ritual (also, no more of Kakuzu’s complaints would be a nice bonus, not that he wanted to please the heathen).

* * *

It took Hidan weeks to feel any substantial difference, probably because his body was used to going on with little food for days. It started painful, but he savoured the pain, the slow and sweet pain of hunger. Sure, it was annoying to conceal his traitorous stomach’s noises and growls, but it was not like Kakuzu paid him any mind. Soon the pain subdued to a nice empty feeling.

As the days passed, the emptiness became comfortable. Familiar. Sure, Hidan still preferred slaughtering, but fasting was good too. Maybe he should’ve thought about it sooner.

“Hungry? You haven’t eaten in a while,” Kakuzu asked him. Today was (finally!) the day they would kill their target, disappear with the proofs and get back to the bounty hunting and sacrificing.

“Nah, I’m good,” He faked nonchalance. Maybe turning down every single meal for a week was kinda suspect after all. Well, subtlety’s never been his forte “Let’s just keep going.”

As much as Kakuzu liked how Hidan’s long prayers weren’t stalling their progress; how many provisions they had saved or how they were ahead of schedule, it was weird. Too good to be true. Suspicious.

“Just don’t go fainting on me or something. I won’t carry your deadweight around,” He offered the food one last time, hoping it’d change Hidan’s mind. It didn’t.

“Yeah, whatever, old man,” He rolled his eyes.

* * *

Using his scythe felt different as well. Like his body was more flexible, weightless, free. Sure, the scythe was heavy, but never before had he used it with such grace, enjoying the detached feeling, like he was just watching someone else dance around that heathen. That is, until he managed to get some of their blood.

Then it was ritual time.

Hidan thought he’d feel euphoric, the sheer pleasure of a sacrifice, yet it was just… Lame. Weak. The mere action of swallowing blood made him nauseous for a second. However, he composed himself and drove his spear through his own heart, watching as their target died. Sure, there was a lot less screaming and pain than the usual, but he was not in the mood for it. He just wanted everything to be over soon.

And maybe puke a little. He felt kinda sick now. But first the sacrifice. Lord Jashin wouldn’t be pleased if he slacked off.

“It was… Quick” Kakuzu pointed out, a brow arched.

“Yeah, this heathen wasn’t worth the full effort,” Hidan made it up on the spot. He closed his eyes, still on the bloody ritual circle, and pretended to be still praying whilst drawing a hand slowly over his belly. His stomach cramped and turned. Maybe swallowing blood on an empty stomach wasn’t such a good idea.

* * *

Hidan thought hunger pain and cramps were the worst it could get. He was wrong.

Pain was okay. He could enjoy it, savour it, and even crave it sometimes. But _temptation_ was different. He was impulsive, desire-driven; self-control’s never been one of his traits. Which wasn’t a problem when they were at the middle of nowhere with tasteless provisions, but was quite an issue now.

Especially since Kakuzu decided he felt generous enough to pay for a not-so-subpar inn and some actually good food.

“Are you sick or something?” There was no way Kakuzu would pay for any comfort at all when they still had provisions and no serious injuries to attend to.

“I’m not,” Kakuzu replied matter-of-factly. “Are you?” He eyed Hidan.

“What? No! Of course not,” Hidan used his most convincing tone, not liking the way Kakuzu looked at him. “I’m great.”

“Sure,” Kakuzu said neutral. “Then let’s just rest for today and keep going tomorrow, at dawn. I don’t want to spend too much time here.”

After settling the matter, he handed Hidan a plate with dango and a bowl of miso soup. The scent was alluring and made Hidan’s mouth water, yet he glared at it wide-eyed for a second. His stomach churned and the mere thought of putting it in his mouth made him sick.

“Guess I’ll take a shower first,” He placed the food onto the tiny table the inn provided. “Wash away the dry blood.”

“The soup will get cold,” Kakuzu remarked. “It’d be a waste of good food.”

Kakuzu hadn’t touched his own food yet, watching Hidan. Feeling cornered, Hidan got his plate back and tried some. It was delicious, but having his mouth full felt so wrong. Yet, he got another mouthful, took a huge bite of the dango and made what he expected to be an approving noise. Kakuzu stopped watching him and started to eat his own food, so Hidan thought he must’ve been convincing enough.

His stomach stirred and grumbled, Hidan wasn’t sure if it was glad to be fed after so long or just rejecting the food after growing used to starvation. Either way, it was awful. But the taste was so good. And so bad. He wolfed it all down, convincing himself it was an act, made a half-hearted comment about Kakuzu not being a cheapskate for once and went straight to the bathroom.

* * *

As soon as he was alone, Hidan bent his body forward and pressed his hands hard on his belly. Pain was okay, he was used to it and he accepted it. But this one was different. It was just… Wrong. Disgusting. He pressed his forehead against the cold wall and took a deep, reassuring breath.

Hidan wasn’t dumb. Sure, he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but he wasn’t dumb. Especially when it comes to Jashinism. Since he’d made a proper sacrifice again, repenting wasn’t required; fasting wasn’t required. He could eat as much as he wanted now.

The thing is: he didn’t want it.

His stomach felt heavy and bloated and he missed the ethereal light-headedness, which had turned now in a headache. Feeling empty was amazing, almost like the stupor after a well-performed ritual, but 24/7. Never fading. Empowering. His limbs felt lighter, his movements felt swifter, more gracious, _better_. Now it was all ruined because he couldn’t keep his damned mouth shut.

The contents of his stomach revolved painfully and it hit Hidan that maybe it wasn’t too late.

He felt like puking actually. He was so sick right now. It’d be easy.

But it’d also be messy. Loud. Vomit splattering everywhere in the almost-nice bathroom. Wet noises and dry heaving. Choking sounds. Kakuzu was observant; there was no way to conceal it, not even with running water. Not with him this close.

Hidan wasn’t dumb, just impulsive. He could think when he had to.

Well… There was always another way out. He just wanted that agony to stop. He’d rather perform a thousand repenting ritual and slowly lose all his blood than keep that much food inside. Than keep any food at all inside him.

He just wishes he hadn’t let his scythe in the room. He couldn’t retrieve it now without raising suspicion. But he still had his retractable spear in his cloak, concealed and ready for use.

Sure, it was fittest for stabbing than for cutting, but it’d have to make do.

Hidan turned on the shower, hoping the white noise would hide everything else, and sat down with his back on the wall. It was a bit tricky maneuvering the spear without unfolding it first and it was different from stabbing. He wanted to be the more precise and the less messy possible.

Puncturing his skin until he reached his stomach was easy enough, but perforating the stomach walls was harder than he thought. Hidan took a deep breath and tried again, his movements ever slow and careful not to do much damage. It was foreign to him, being so meticulous instead of just forcing the spear all the way through.

His headache didn’t help much.

When he finally managed to perforate his stomach, a lot of his blood had already gone down the drain. At least he wouldn’t have to clean it up later. He tried to rip the slick tissue with his bare hands, but it wouldn’t budge. He supported his head against the wall and got the spear again.

Maybe with enough perforations his stomach would just surrender and tear up already. He couldn’t take much long in a fucking shower! Precision be damned, Hidan just stabbed it hard until he felt the tip of the spear hit his back. He could deal with any blood stains later. And the familiar pain of stabbing was welcome too.

His stomach walls surrendered, acid and barely-digested food joined the blood going down the drain. He supported all his body weight against the wall and sighed contently as one of his hands worked at emptying his insides even further, not missing a single chunk of food. Now it felt clean again. He felt clean. Light. Weightless.

And with a huge mess to clean up quickly.

He got up a bit too quick, seeing black spots for a second, but it was fine. Looking down, the wound on his stomach was bigger than he thought. Almost gaping even with him standing. He hoped it’d heal itself soon enough, since asking Kakuzu for stitches wasn’t exactly an option.

For now, Hidan scrubbed away the blood from the walls and floor with his bare hands and forced the viscous large chunks of food down the drain. Lucky for him, the bathroom of the cheap inn was never pristine to begin with, so he didn’t have to worry too much about cleaning everything up.

The wound was still a problem. It’d be better with a clean cut, but the messy stab wounds stretched until the point of tearing apart were ugly and messy. Hidan knew it’d bleed again with every tiny movement he made and, given that his stomach was open wide as well, maybe something other than blood could leak too. He couldn’t have that.

That’s why he tore a big part of his cloak and used it as bandage, wrapping it tightly around his torso. It’d have to make do until he healed. Besides, most of his old cloaks ended up in shreds anyway because of battles or sacrifices, so he had a spare one.

Kakuzu eyed him when he went back to the room and asked what took him so long, but Hidan just shrugged, careful not to move too much, and said it wasn’t every day they had access to hot water. Then he shoved Kakuzu to the side and claimed half of the bed to himself (because Kakuzu was too cheap to pay for a room with two beds), as he always did, making sure to keep his back to Kakuzu and put a hand over his improvised bandage.

* * *

Before leaving the tiny village, Hidan snuck to an apothecary to buy some proper bandages, since blood leaked through his improvised one last night. He had to cut his palm open and make a ritual circle on the floor to explain it (“Ah, you know, sometimes rituals get messy and I may have gone overboard…”) and Kakuzu complained about having bloodstains everywhere and that he was not paying for it.

Also, the fabric of his torn cloak clung to his skin with the dried blood. And it was quite painful to remove it; Hidan was sure he reopened the wound a bit by pulling too hard. He had to make a quick prayer as well because he couldn’t exactly just draw a circle with blood and do nothing with it. It’d be blasphemous.

Well, at least there had been no breakfast. They just left. Sure, it was common, but Hidan had never thought about it before. In hindsight, he was grateful for how often they just skipped meals without thinking about it.

The tasteless provisions were welcome too. They were just so easy to dismiss and ignore. And, if he didn’t resist, he could always slice himself open and get rid of it.

Hidan didn’t remember what it felt like not to be light-headed most of the time. Or not seeing the world spin whenever he got up too fast. Sometimes he had to blink hard a few times to dissipate the black spots on his vision, but that was okay too. Kakuzu would complain he wasn’t paying attention every now and then, but Hidan didn’t mind. It’s not like they talked much anyway. It all just felt so good.

Almost better than sacrificing.

He still loved the rush of adrenaline and the sheer euphoria of a good sacrifice, but fasting for days was a solid second place. It was like fluttering. As if nothing else mattered.

Sacrificing got a bit tricky. He couldn’t take his cloak off because of the bandages and swallowing blood made his stomach grow and stir, so he avoided it as well. On the other hand, hunting the sacrifice was so much funnier, like he was dancing around his prey, his feet weightless against the ground and his movements flexible and _beautiful_.

“Your cloak will get soaked with blood,” Kakuzu remarked while he finished his prayers “Just take it off.”

Of course he’d noticed. It was just a matter of time before he addressed it. Still, Hidan caught himself holding his breath.

“It’s black and red anyway,” He faked disinterest “Not like it’s gonna stain or anything.” Then, when he saw it was a poor excuse: “And what if I like getting soaked with blood? Uh?”

Jashin, it was even worse! Really, he should know how to bluff better than that.

Kakuzu let it slide, so Hidan thought he must have been at least a little convincing. Still, he knew he hadn’t seen the end of it yet. He’d have to be careful.

* * *

After that, Hidan decided to eat more frequently. Just for the sake of appearances, obviously. Just until a new bounty appeared and got all of Kakuzu’s attention. Yeah, it was just a façade.

But it was so good. And so bad. Sometimes, Hidan wanted to eat all of it until he was painfully full; other times, he wanted to force his hand down his throat, reach his stomach and pull back every single bite he took. He was glad their snack pauses weren’t frequent, because he dreaded even having to _look_ at food.

It was drizzling, Hidan’s clothes were wet, his bandages were clinging uncomfortably to his torso, his stomach was too full and not full enough at the same time and he felt miserable. Soon they’d have to stop for the night. And eat. They hadn’t eaten all day now and Hidan liked it this way.

If it were some tasteless provisions, Hidan could’ve lied his way out. But Kakuzu had hunted a rabbit (to save provisions, he said) and bothered to lit a bonfire and cook it. It smelled delicious. Tempting. He didn’t resist. He just couldn’t say no.

It tasted as delicious as it smelled. Hidan hated every bite.

Once Kakuzu was asleep, he quietly walked away to change his bandages (they were kinda gross from the rain and from all the time he hadn’t changed it) and, without a second thought, took a kunai with him.

Hidan wasn’t fond of kunais in fights, but they were great to have around and much better at slicing than a spear. He got the habit of carrying one around at all times.

He got rid of the dirty, gross bandage and drew the kunai to his belly. The scars there were pretty bad, he reopened them every couple days at best to empty his stomach. He liked to think he just ate to ease Kakuzu’s suspicion, but he knew he was just too weak to resist temptation.

Weeks had passed, still that first wound was there, ugly and scarred. Hidan had opened it at least four times before realizing it was getting worse every time he poked it open again. Then he started opening clean cuts around it, which healed better than the messy one, but not fast enough. Some of them overlapped and got kinda weird, but it was okay. He was immortal, so they would heal eventually, right?

Once he was empty again, he bandaged his torso tightly and, to make sure, added a second layer. Sometimes some stomach fluid leaked through and it was awful to conceal the weird smell on his cloak. It was worse to get out than bloodstains. 

Once it was all done, he took a second to dissipate the black edges on his visions and went back to their hiding spot. Some sleep would be nice now.

* * *

Keeping track of time has never been one of Hidan’s priorities, but it was worse lately. His memory was overall bad too. Kakuzu would always complain about how he was never listening or something. Hidan couldn’t bring himself to care.

His vision would get blurry randomly; he was either light-headed or with a headache all the time; the bandages were itchy and bound his torso; he had to sneak out to purge almost every day. Despite it all, he felt great; or at least he thought so. Better than eating, anyway. Fasting gave him… Something. Control. Purpose.

He started inducing vomit after the wounds on his stomach got too scarred and bothersome. Maybe they'd heal properly if left alone for a couple weeks. Sure, puking was louder and slower than just cutting himself open, but Hidan liked to believe that he has getting the hang of it. He almost didn’t choke anymore and could force his stomach to empty in about 20 minutes most of the time.

There was some sort of weird pride in it.

“We’re going to stop in a village tonight,” And surely Kakuzu had to spoil it all.

“Why’s that? We’re fine here, hidden and everything,” Hidan mumbled. It was easier to sneak out at night in the woods than it’d be in a shared room.

“I thought you’d like the idea. We haven’t had a bed or a warm shower in months,” Kakuzu’s tone left no room for discussion.

Really? Had it been months already? Hidan could swear he had cut himself open in a bathroom like three weeks ago. Maybe five.

“Yeah, whatever. It’s your money anyway,” He thought it’d dissuade Kakuzu, but oddly it didn’t.

* * *

That’s how Hidan found himself in a small room in yet another cheap inn. He never thought he’d miss sleeping out in the cold and dirt, but just the idea of having dinner and not purging made him sick and anxious. Maybe he could just throw his meal away when Kakuzu wasn’t looking.

Sure, Kakuzu’d kill him for wasting food if he found out, but it was okay.

Kakuzu invited him to go to the communal baths, but he refused. He couldn’t take off his cloak because of the bandages, nor remove the bandages because of the scarred wounds and scars. No one could see him like that, let alone Kakuzu. So he said he had a headache and would lay down for a little, which wasn’t even a lie.

Not that he had much success at resting either, he’d keep turning, tossing, picking at the bandages, sitting up just to get dizzy and lay down again. He had too much nervous energy to lay down, but not enough to actually get out of bed. Hidan kept thinking about rituals he had to perform, or about how fasting for himself instead of for Jashin was blasphemous or just dreading dinnertime. All of the above.

The good part about the fogginess in his mind was not having to think about anything for long. All problems felt distant, unreachable.

All but one: dinnertime. That one felt too real. Unavoidable.

To make things worse, Kakuzu had bought the worse dinner option ever.

“What’s it?” Hidan pointed accusingly at their meal.

“Spare ribs,” Kakuzu raised an eyebrow “Didn’t think you were going blind”

Hidan didn’t have the dignity to respond. Spare ribs? Really? He could already feel his mouth watering. _His fucking favourite._ How did Kakuzu even remember it? It was weird, he’d kill to eat it some months ago (or was it a year already? Who cares anyway?), but now he’d kill not to see it ever again.

“Uh…” Hidan replied eloquently after the silence had dragged for too long.

“You’re welcome,” Kakuzu said “Now let’s eat.”

* * *

And that’s how Hidan found himself puking quietly in the bathroom at an ungodly hour.

Well, more like trying to, anyway.

It was so frustrating. Hidan had successfully induced vomit dozens of times now. Why couldn’t he now? He thought he’d got the hang of it already!

Maybe it was just because he was used to doing it in the woods, far away from Kakuzu and with no fear of being caught. It was different now, with Kakuzu literally on the other room. Also, he could make a mess in the woods, but now he had to be careful and clean up after himself. No traces left behind.

It was too much pressure.

And his head hurt. His stomach hurt. Everything hurt. Not in a good way either. He just wanted to feel weightless. Free. Ethereal.

He forced his hand too deep in his throat and choked a little.

It was brief, Hidan managed not to induce a coughing fit, yet he got still for a moment trying to hear any movement. Any sign that Kakuzu was awake.

When he felt safe again, he forced his spit-covered hand in his throat once more, trying to hit the right spot and induce his gag reflex. It was easy, he’d made it many times, he even had some accidental close calls while bounty hunting and sacrificing! (He learned how to swallow it down though, and that moving too much too suddenly was a bad idea)

So why was it so hard today? Maybe he just needed more practice.

His eyes got used to the dim moonlight (he couldn’t turn lights on) and he could discern the vague shapes of the sink, the toilet which he was bent onto, and his slimy hand when he stopped shoving it in his mouth to take a pause to breath. There were saliva strings between his fingers and his forehead felt kinda sweaty with the effort. He just wished he’d just puke and go back to bed.

Maybe he should just cut himself open. He still had some spare bandages after all.

He lunged forward and forced his fingers down once more, feeling some acid going up his throat. Hopeful, Hidan held his breath and prepared to vomit, but it was just dry heaving again.

He didn’t have the time to get disappointed though, since he felt a hand being placed firmly on his shoulder.

“What in hell do you think you’re doing?” Kakuzu’s tone was… Hard to define. It was too calm, but Hidan felt a chill down his spine. And he definitely sounded… Angry? Mad? Worried? Nah, this last one was absurd, maybe he was too tired to think properly, Hidan almost chuckled. Kakuzu worried about him? As if.

Things got awfully quiet. Hidan didn’t dare to move nor had anything to say. Maybe if he stayed still long enough, it’d all be just a dream and he’d wake up. The warm hand on his shoulder felt too real though.

Kakuzu turned on the lights and handed Hidan a cloth to wipe his hands and his chin, which he accepted hesitantly. No word was said. Hidan knew it was not a dream, but he didn’t have the energy to care. He just blinked away the dark spots and dizziness and let Kakuzu guide him to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> So... Next chapter will be Kakuzu's perspective. I wanted to wait until I had written it all so I could post everything at once, but today was a weird day (amazing and awful), so I decided to finish this chapter I hadn't touched in like a month so I'd feel better.
> 
> It's not exactly proofread, so I appreciate feedback! I may edit it in the future, but nothing big.  
> (Update: now it's proofread! Yey! Hope I didn't miss anything)
> 
> Also, no promises about when I'll post the next one. But I will!
> 
> 💕
> 
> Well... Hope you liked it.
> 
> Now I'm gonna sleep 'cause today sucked (mostly), I'm tired, and this chapter is the only productive thing I've done all week.


	2. Kakuzu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me a month and then some, but here it is! The last chapter!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who waited for it, for your patience!

Kakuzu couldn’t pinpoint exactly when the changes started.

One day, Hidan was being his usual annoying self, then the other day, not so much. Sure, he still was annoying, but… Something was wrong. He wasn’t complaining as much as usual, his ludicrous prayers didn’t stall them for hours and even their banter lacked something.

“What’s with the quick prayers? Finally realised your God isn’t worth that much?” He remarked one day, as Hidan had just finished offering his blood to God or whatever. There was a small circle and some prayers involved.

Don’t get me wrong, Kakuzu liked not seeing Hidan gut himself every morning, and the extra time was welcome too, but it was also… Odd. Too clean. Too quiet. It didn’t suit Hidan a bit.

“Shut up, heathen,” There it was. Even Hidan’s insults sounded kinda hollow. No bite behind it. “Jashin’s worth everything.”

“Why aren’t you performing yours so-called rituals then?” Maybe if he pressed a little, things would go back to normal. It’d be less unsettling.

“No need to big rituals. I’ve been sacrificing, so prayers and small ones are enough,” Hidan explained, his voice too calm. Since when did he explain things so rationally? Besides, Kakuzu was pretty sure the changes started before he resumed his sacrificing.

But there was no way to prove it, and he didn’t feel like pressing the matter any further. Hopefully, Hidan would work it out on his own.

* * *

Things didn’t get better. Nor worse, for that matter. They just… Stayed the same. A new reality that was too quiet and too _wrong_. It started like a blessing, a breath of fresh air. The lack of pointless discussions and bloody rituals was a nice change, until it wasn’t.

Hidan looked paler too, not a lot, but enough for Kakuzu to notice on a closer inspection. Maybe he was sick? It would explain his lack of enthusiasm with performing rituals (even sacrifices), as well as how quiet he was. No complaints. No teasing. No bickering. Can he even get sick with that curse of his?

“There’s a village nearby. We could stop there and rest for a few days,” He offered. A few months ago, Hidan would’ve beamed at the opportunity of rest and hot water, but now he looked… Disappointed? It was hard to tell. Hidan used to be quite expressive, but lately he was always aiming for a stoic face.

“Is your age finally catching up with you? You hate inns,” Hidan said.

“Just thought we could use some rest,” Kakuzu kept his voice even “Besides, you need a shower. You stink,” He provoked. Hidan didn’t react at all.

“Yeah, whatever, old man,” He cared more than what he showed, this much was obvious “And you are the one who stinks here. Must be sniffing yourself,” He added like an afterthought. An act.

* * *

They arrived at the small village soon enough, no talking. It was so unlike Hidan to be so quiet, Kakuzu didn’t think he could get used to it, even if he did wish for it sometimes. Maybe he was just sick, yeah, it’s all. But it had been going on for months now. Maybe he should have done something sooner.

Maybe, should have… What’s in the past stays in the past, no use in dwelling on it.

“Are you okay?” He asked Hidan, not caring if he sounded worried or not. It’s not like Hidan would tease him for it anyway (which was worrisome by itself).

“What the hell? Of course I’m fine. You’re the one acting weird and stopping in inns,” He yelled, arms crossed. It almost sounded like his usual brand of annoyance, except for the defensiveness.

“Whatever, just go shower already,” Kakuzu pushed him lightly to the general direction of the bathroom. Maybe a shower would do him some good. He didn’t look like he had a fever either, no rosy cheeks or burning forehead, just paleness.

Kakuzu shrugged it off and focused on his bounty hunting. According to his records, they should be able to get a bounty within a couple of days if they didn’t waste too much time here. If Hidan looked fine by the morning that is.

He ordered some food (nothing too expensive) and waited for Hidan to get out of the small bathroom. When Hidan saw the food, he hesitated for a second before entering the room and sitting on the bed, face unreadable.

“You’re not dying on me or something, right? Ordering food when we still have provisions and everything, it’s not like you,” He aimed for playful and failed miserably. Too forced.

“We have to save provisions, besides you don’t even like them that much,” That was true, Hidan barely ate his share anymore. Kakuzu assumed he just grew tired of eating the same things every mission. Kakuzu tried cooking when they could light a bonfire, but even then Hidan would just play with his food or stare at it for a while before reluctantly eating it.

“Yeah, sure,” He didn’t make any move to pick the food from the tiny table the inn provided. “I’m not hungry. Guess I’ll just sleep”

“Eat some at least. It’d be a waste, besides it’s still warm,” His tone left little room for discussion, and Hidan was not in the mood to fight over it anyway. Maybe he really was sick, it’d explain his tiredness, lack of appetite and general quietude.

Hidan ate about half of the food after spending a long time just poking it with his chopsticks. How childish. But Kakuzu supposed it was good, food would give his body energy to fight whatever was making him sick and everything would eventually go back to normal. Soon he’d be the energetic, loud-mouthed idiot of always.

They shared the bed, as they always did in inns (because two bed rooms were ludicrously expensive), and Hidan kept his distance, which he always did now. Not that Kakuzu missed almost being kicked out of bed by the jashinist’s constant turning and tossing, it was just weird how still he was.

Kakuzu put a tentative hand on Hidan’s forehead once he was asleep, just to be sure, but he didn’t feel hot. No fever. Hidan’s skin felt kinda cold in fact, had it always been like this?

* * *

The next morning, both of them were headed for their next mission. Hidan seemed fine enough, or at least he claimed so, and he had no symptoms of something serious, so Kakuzu decided it was okay to leave. They could always stop to rest midway if they had to.

Besides, maybe sacrificing someone would cheer Hidan up.

* * *

Hidan missed.

Kakuzu pretended not to notice, focusing on getting their bounty’s body (recognizable enough, he should be able to get the full reward), but it was obvious. Hidan just… Missed. Badly. He misjudged his opponent position and his scythe almost got knocked out of his hand.

Kakuzu considered stepping in and helping him out for a second, but decided against it. Sure, Hidan could be reckless and would yell for his help from time to time (even when he didn’t really need it), but Kakuzu knew he could stand his ground. He never gave this much leeway to an enemy during a fight, he never took this long to draw some blood from an adversary and he never spent so much time quiet (!).

There were no jokes, no ramblings about Jashin’s glory and pain, no teasing, no obnoxious threats. Also, he didn’t ask for Kakuzu’s help not even once.

Hidan’s movements were not right either. He was swaying too much; his eyes didn’t focus on his target but wandered all over. Even his grasp on the scythe didn’t seem tight enough, like it could slip at any moment. When he finally managed to start his so-called ritual, he just killed his adversary right away, no foreplay, not even bothering to get his clothes out of the way, it was probably gonna stain.

“Your cloak will get soaked with blood,” He said. Hidan had his eyes closed now, but Kakuzu was sure he’d listened “Just take it off”

Hidan took a moment to answer. Kakuzu wasn’t sure if he was finishing his prayers or thinking about an excuse.

“It’s black and red anyway, not like it’s gonna stain or anything.” It was a pitiable excuse and Kakuzu’s look must have shown it, because Hidan added “And what if I like getting soaked with blood? Uh?” He defied, his petulant tone almost normal. Kakuzu could be fooled by it if he didn’t know any better.

He let it slide this time. In hindsight, Hidan had been quite _prudish_ lately. He kept his cloak fastened all the way up (what was odd by itself), didn’t take it off for fighting nor got it ripped off during battle (since when was he this careful?) and wouldn’t change in front of Kakuzu, which he had no qualms about before.

* * *

After that, Hidan start acting normal-ish. He cracked jokes every now and then; he ate his share of the provisions and the occasional meal Kakuzu cooked; he helped setting up the camp and even offered to scout the area. But he always stared at his food before eating it, his jokes were forced, he was never this helpful (not willingly) and Kakuzu knew he was sneaking out to the woods at night.

Still, he never followed Hidan. It wouldn’t be hard (really, Hidan was a bit careless with his surrounds for a ninja), but Kakuzu couldn’t bring himself to. If he did, all his suspicions would be real. It wouldn’t be just Hidan being quirky or annoying or even hiding a small sickness. It’d be serious, palpable, true.

At the same time, he got sick of watching Hidan getting paler, spitting excuses, missing hits, wobbling on his feet and just faking in general. Hidan was not silent, nor helpful and much less a prude. He was loud, whiny and a shameless brat, but at least it felt _right_. Kakuzu grew used to it and he even missed it (not that he’d ever admit it).

“We’re going to stop in a village tonight,” He said. And, if it sounded a bit like a ultimatum, well, that was just fitting, right?

Honestly, he didn’t expect a reply. Hidan rarely argued now anyway, sometimes he wasn’t even listening or just mumbled a ‘fine’. However, he was surprised this time:

“Why’s that? We’re fine here, hidden and everything,” Hidan muttered, his voice so low Kakuzu wasn’t sure he was supposed to hear. Still, it was better than no reaction at all.

“I thought you’d like the idea. We haven’t had a bed or a warm shower in months,”

“Yeah, whatever. It’s your money anyway,” and the weird, ever-present silence dragged on again.

* * *

Kakuzu bought spare ribs.

Hidan had spent the whole day in the inn’s room, claiming he had a headache and wanted to be left alone. Kakuzu couldn’t say how much of it was an excuse not to go to the thermal baths (since Hidan never even opened his cloak around him anymore) and how much was true (because he was prone to headaches lately).

Maybe spare ribs would help. They were Hidan’s favourite dish after all.

That’s why it was odd seeing him poking and staring at them. He actually got wide-eyed at first, before sliding back into his nonchalance act. Still, after the initial reluctance, he devoured it and forced some small talk. Then they went to bed.

Kakuzu thought he’d have to postpone finding out the problem until tomorrow at least. He didn’t even have a solid plan yet.

* * *

When he woke up, it was still dark. He almost went back to sleep, soothed by the silence of night, but something was amiss. Kakuzu wasn’t one to wake up for no reason, he was a ninja after all, and a pretty good one. Something triggered it.

Hidan was gone. It was easy to notice the lack of a warm body besides him on bed. No lights were turned on. Kakuzu lay still and focused on his surroundings. Everything was too quiet.

He heard something. It was brief and sounded a lot like choking, but muffled, and came from the small bathroom. Kakuzu had a bad feeling about all of it and somewhat already expected what to find there. Still, he got up and slowly opened the door, his hearts beating fast against his torso.

Hidan was bending over the toilet, fingers shoved in his mouth, ragged breath. The only light source was the dim moonlight, but Kakuzu could distinguish the slimy tracks of saliva running down his mouth and dripping in the toilet with a faint wet sound. From time to time, Hidan would stop to catch his breath before lunging forward again, dry heaving and choking on his own fingers. Kakuzu thought he saw something thicker than saliva going down the toilet as well.

When the initial shock washed off, he slowly approached Hidan, his footsteps light against the floor. Hidan didn’t seem to notice at all, looking almost in trance.

“What in hell do you think you’re doing?” Kakuzu put a hand on Hidan’s shoulder, firm enough to get him out of the stupor, but not too harsh. Kakuzu had no idea how to deal with it, but he wasn’t mad. Concerned, sure, maybe a bit distressed, but not mad.

Hidan froze for a second, his eyes wide open and focused on Kakuzu. He looked lost at first, and still too quiet. It’d be better if Hidan had shouted at him or cussed or anything loud and obnoxious. But of course he wouldn’t, not after keeping silent for so long. Kakuzu took a cloth from the hook (the inn they were staying was good enough to provide such things) and handed it to Hidan.

After some hesitation, Hidan took it and wiped his chin harshly, leaving his skin red for a while and doing the same for his hands. He didn’t seem to notice or to care about it either.

Kakuzu was old, he had seen a lot, he knew these things existed. Still, he didn’t want to see the signs, as if it’d be less real if left unattended. Kakuzu knew what he would find in the bathroom, but it didn’t mean he was ready for it.

It didn’t matter though. Ready or not, he had to do something. For Hidan’s sake. For their sake.

He guided Hidan back to bed without a word. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

They sat on the bed, that squeaked under their weight. It was too quiet. They could hear the wind against the closed window. Kakuzu wasn’t used to being the one to start the conversation.

“What were you doing?” He kept his voice even. He had to hear it from Hidan.

“I was… I just—” It was weird watching Hidan stumble on words “I ate too much” That was a lame excuse.

“You haven’t been eating,” Kakuzu pointed out. Hidan looked away, a hand picking absentmindedly at his skin. “Why?”

Hidan remained silent.

“Hidan!” He touched Hidan’s arm, trying to get his attention, then took a deep breath. Losing his temper would do no good.

“I’m fine!” He shoved Kakuzu’s hand off his arm. “I’m fine! Why do you even care, old man? It’s none of your damn business!” He crossed his arms, putting some distance between them. That was fine. At least he was talking.

“I’m worried,” Kakuzu said. Hidan shivered. “About you,” He added just to make his point clear.

Things got quiet again.

“Well, I’m fine. You don’t have to worry,” Hidan looked him in the eye know. His gaze was so… Hurt. Kakuzu had seen Hidan beheaded, bruised, dismembered, beaten. Still, he’d never seen him looking so tired. Not sad, just… Hollow. Hopeless.

“Hidan,” Kakuzu tried again. They both knew it was a lousy lie. “Why aren’t you eating?” Maybe a direct approach would be for the better. Kakuzu wasn’t exactly a patient man, it was getting later by the second and they were both exhausted. Even if it wasn’t the right thing to say, it’d get them somewhere.

Hidan’s hands started to pick and pull at the cheap bed sheets. Anything to keep them busy. To distract Hidan from this dire conversation. He never wanted things to come to this.

“I was repenting, ok?” He defended himself. “It was just that. Just… Repenting. Fasting. Getting closer to Jashin,”

Kakuzu had to physically bite his tongue to keep himself from saying something blasphemous. Of course it’d have something to do with that damned religion of his.

“That’s why you stopped your rituals?”

“Yeah… They were so boring. And took so fucking long! You thought you were the only one bored?” It actually surprised Kakuzu. He never thought Hidan would take any of his complaints to heart.

“I shouldn’t have kept it up though,” Hidan proceeded; his hands went back to picking at his own skin, leaving red marks. “I knew I shouldn’t. I just had to repent until I made a sacrifice. But then… I wanted to keep going.” Kakuzu held Hidan’s hand to keep it from bruising his own skin. Hidan didn’t seem to mind. Now that he started telling Kakuzu everything, it just kept spilling. Everything that he tried to hide.

“It just… It felt so good. So damn good. It was better than sacrificing, better than anything. Like I was fluttering away. Like nothing else mattered. Not even Jashin,” He looked away in shame. He didn’t know why he was telling it to Kakuzu. The heathen didn’t even understand Jashin. Still, he couldn’t help himself, he kept going:

“Eating was a weakness. Starving is so good. A bliss. But… I still ate, and it hurt, it made me feel awful. So I… I purged. Got rid of it. Ripped it out of my stomach and forced it out my mouth when I couldn’t anymore,”

That got Kakuzu’s attention. Suddenly, he felt wide-awake.

He noticed how Hidan always kept a hand over his stomach when he slept. How his hands absently picked at his belly over his clothes. How he fastened his cloak all the way up even when it was hot and how he never changed in front of Kakuzu anymore.

“Hidan,” His voice grew concerned again. “What did you do?”

“I just had to get it out of me,” He defended himself again, letting go of Kakuzu’s hand to place it firmly over his belly, clutching to his cloak. “I was so full!”

“Let me see it,” He demanded. Hidan clutched harder to his cloak and shook his head.

Great. Now he decided to be stubborn again.

“Let me see it!”

“No!” He rose up from the bed “It’s ok! I have it under control,” He shouted.

“I can take care of it,” Kakuzu got up too, feeling his tendrils agitated under his skin. Maybe he couldn’t understand why Hidan started it all nor could say anything to make it better, but he could patch Hidan up. He could solve something palpable.

“You don’t have to! Just forget about it,” Hidan pleaded.

“Let me take care of you, damn it,” And, as he said it, Hidan went still, “Just sit on this fucking bed and let me take care of you, you idiot,”

“…Okay”

* * *

Hidan sat on the bed and opened his cloak with hesitant fingers. He couldn’t believe he’d let Kakuzu see it. His skin had barely started to heal after the multiples cuts, holes and lacerations.

“It’s not pretty,” He felt he had to warn him.

“I’ve seen you decapitated before. Can’t be worse,” Kakuzu reassured him, his voice concerned despite the gruffness.

Hidan threw the cloak on the floor near the bed, exposing the bandages binding his torso. Then took them off, leaving his wounds in plain sight. The bandages were already dirty and a bit bloodied. Hidan supposed he should’ve changed them before, but then he’d have to find an apothecary and buy new ones first and he was so tired.

The wounds were ugly. Kakuzu could tell they had been reopened and poorly healed. There was scarred skin and most of it could’ve been avoided with stitches, but Hidan (the idiot!) kept quiet and let it heal by itself. Still, Kakuzu kept a straight face. He’d seen worse. And he was as mad with himself for not doing something before as he was with Hidan for not asking for help.

“You’re an idiot,” He said. Hidan made an offended noise. “Bandages aren’t meant to be directly over the wounds, they just keep the gauze in place,” He pointed one of the many, many mistakes he could see “And they **must** be changed regularly,” He added, because the ones Hidan was using were in poor state. He was lucky he didn’t get an infection, maybe that curse of his had something to do with it.

Hidan had the decency to look guilty.

“If you’re just going to scold me, at least let me put the cloak on again,” He crossed his arms over his half-healed wounds, but Kakuzu moved them out of the way.

“Hold still,” He commanded and let a thread slither across his hand. He couldn’t patch up the scarred skin, but he could stitch the open wounds. Some of them still bled every time Hidan moved. Maybe it would improve things a little.

Hidan held his breath, he never got used to the stinging feeling of being sewn together. Kakuzu was gentle, though. Gentler than usual at least.

“That’s better,” Kakuzu said. “Tomorrow we can buy some ointment.”

“Uh… Thanks,” Hidan looked away. “So… About the, you know, purging thing—“ He wanted to get this over with. Kakuzu had patched him up, the shock had passed, now he would get mad, call him stupid and it’d be it.

“We can talk about it later,” Kakuzu cut him mid-sentence, “Now we both deserve some sleep. Don’t move too much or the stitches will burst,” And that was the end of it. At least for now. No yelling, no mocking, no fight.

Hidan had wondered what would happen if Kakuzu found out. Or rather, _when_ Kakuzu found out, because he was smart and observant. He imagined lots of scenarios. Most of them involved Kakuzu calling him weak and mocking him for it, laughing at him, some had a fight or two, others had Kakuzu just ignoring it because Hidan wasn’t worth the attention. Lately, the imaginary-Kakuzu would even be happy for it, because Hidan wasn’t wasting money with food nor time with rituals, but Hidan knew this one was far from reality, even though his mind said otherwise.

None of his made-up scenarios had Kakuzu _worried_ about him. Talking to him. _Listening_ what he had to say. Patching him up. It was so… Odd. Foreign. Not bad, just weird. He didn’t think Kakuzu would handle it so well, or that he’d bother to try.

The spare-ribs he ate hours ago still filled his stomach. An uncomfortable weight bloating him. His fingers traced the fresh stitches and, in the back of his mind, Hidan imagined how it would be to pull them apart and reach for his insides. Yet, he left them alone and nuzzled against Kakuzu on the bed. He was too tired for it. They both were.

He could handle it for one night.

* * *

The next morning, Kakuzu bought gauze, ointment and some clean bandages and showed Hidan the proper way of dressing a wound. It was awkward to do this kind of thing with no teasing, banter or complaints, but that was ok. All in good time.

Hidan skipped breakfast. Kakuzu didn’t push him.

When it came to lunch, however, he had to intervene.

“You’re not going to starve again, are you?” He eyed him cautiously.

“No,” Hidan said carefully, “I just… I’m still full,” It was not a lie, but wasn’t exactly true either. Hidan grew so used to starvation that hunger and fullness felt about the same. Uncomfortable, but there. He couldn’t tell if his body was demanding more food or revolting against yesterday’s dinner yet.

“You have to eat though,” Kakuzu argued, “At least once. But it doesn’t have to be lunch,” He reasoned. He could be patient, he could stitch Hidan and listen to his half-coherent explanations, he could keep his temper in check and he could try and keep the mood light. But Hidan had to do something too. He had to want to get better.

 _Let me take care of you_ , Hidan remembered when his eyes met Kakuzu’s.

“Fine,” Hidan conceded. Just the idea of eating today made his stomach stir. It made him a bit nauseous. “I choose what we’ll eat though.”

“Fair enough. Just don’t make it expensive.”

They could reach a middle ground.

* * *

Kakuzu watched Hidan eating. They were in another small village and a month had passed.

Hidan cut everything into tiny bits before eating. He said it helped him, so Kakuzu didn’t say anything. He got used to it by now. As long as he ate, it was fine. At least Hidan was less self-conscious about eating in public. It had been an issue in the beginning.

“So, when are we heading back to Mount Myōboku?” Hidan asked. Pain had required them to go to the hideout. It was about something boring and official.

“In three days. We still have time. And I want to catch a bounty before going back,” Kakuzu said. They were far enough from the other tavern’s patrons to discuss this kind of thing.

“Good. I want to perform a ritual before we leave,” He commented before chewing a tiny bit of meat. Kakuzu nodded, acknowledging it.

He still didn’t like Hidan’s rituals, but he could put up with them. At Kakuzu’s request, Hidan just went back to doing bloody rituals after he started eating two meals a day. The nourishment made his curse work fast as usual, so the blood lost was replaced quickly and the wounds healed fine. Even the messy ones that Hidan hid for months were now just scars. Some were faint, some not. Kakuzu thought most of them should vanish with time, but some could remain.

Hidan didn’t seem to mind much though. He went back to using his cloak open, going to thermal baths and walking around shirtless when he was alone with Kakuzu. Shameless as ever. Or almost. Something changed, but it was okay.

* * *

“You know what, guess I’ll try three meals a day tomorrow,” Hidan said, eyes closed and a puddle of blood under his body. His hands clutched to Jashin’s amulet.

“Fine,” Kakuzu concealed how relieved it made him. Hidan was doing it at his own pace, he tried not to push too much, “Seems good.”

Hidan’s spear was impaling his heart. Heart, not stomach. Hidan had been careful with it lately. Piercing his stomach gave him a weird feeling, kinda remorseful yet longing. He avoided doing it even during rituals. It was still unsightly, but Kakuzu kept himself from asking how long it would take.

“Well,” Hidan removed his spear from his body. “We should get going. You’re getting older by the second and everything,” He teased. “Don’t want you dying on me.”

“Go wash up first. You’re the one who looks like a walking corpse,” He responded in kind. It was nice going back to the old bantering.

Not everything was perfect. Hidan still randomly felt acrid bile going up his throat when he’d lay down (maybe this reflex would subdue with time, maybe it wouldn’t. Hidan just swallowed it back down), Kakuzu still barely put up with his ludicrous religion and would lose him temper from time to time. But they were doing their best and, sometimes, that’s all that matter.

* * *

“You could pay for a room with two beds every now and then, you know?” Hidan commented, lazily intertwining their legs and hugging Kakuzu’s arm. “You old cheapskate.”

“You don’t look all that bothered though,” Kakuzu remarked, holding him closer and shutting his eyes.

Maybe tomorrow would be a hard day. Maybe not. Maybe it'd even get easier. Don't matter. They were living a day at a time and, for now, it was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it.
> 
> Hope you liked!
> 
> It took me more than a month, made me question if I should have made it an one-shot and writing Kakuzu's perspective was really, really hard (I cheated a little in the end and switched between both), but I do like how it turned out.
> 
> Also, I'm not proofreading it as I should 'cause today was a bad day and, while it makes me write (!), it doesn't make me review before posting. Also, I had some trouble editing it 'cause ao3 refused to let me make paragraphs. Yey.
> 
> Anyway, any errors, typos or criticism in general, just let me know and I'll do my best to solve it!
> 
> I'll stop blabbering now. Hope y'all are okay!
> 
> And that's how my first Naruto fanfic ever went! Not gonna lie, it makes my day better.
> 
> 💗


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